she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I believe in your delicious
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
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