haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
