happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
