He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize