Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
