If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
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