He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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