Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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