Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
