So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
