The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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