I'm drive I can fine osifer
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Operation Purity has been aborted
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
