Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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