If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
