What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
