They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
