even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
