i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
