The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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