i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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