What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
