his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
