I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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