Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
