it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
