I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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