dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
