if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
