Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
