i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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