I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
