I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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