dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Randomize
