I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
