we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
