happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
