Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
