I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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