May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
