you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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