you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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