After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
