Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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