it was like eating out sand paper
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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