oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
cat food counts as protein by the way
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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