So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
