ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
