If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
