I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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