My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
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