all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
you had me at cake vodka
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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