Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
