if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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