If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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